Shakespeare says: "To thine own self be true."
That's all well and good unless you don't know what it is you want.
Despite being a very loud, in your face, honest person, I realized that when it comes to matters of the heart I'm as bashful as a young girl.
I don't want to figure out how I feel. I want them to take the first move, showing me how they feel and I'll decide what I want from there. I want to follow, not lead.
Sometimes I do make the first move, asking to hang out, calling, texting etc. But it comes down to this: I'm only willing to do so much until I want the ball to be in their court. And then, since I'm a VERY impatient person, I hate waiting for the ball holder to make their move.
I feel kind of selfish today. I know that I always jump into things head first, taking risks, without always thinking things through. Because of these personality types of mine I want to tell people when I missed them, or that I wish I could talk to them more, even though I know doing so would freak them out and they would go running for the hills. In this sense, I don't consider others feelings as I just want my feelings to be heard, understood, and followed. This is why I feel selfish.
So, I guess for now, I will not act. I will sit still, contemplate, and evaluate what it is I really want. And I won't expect people to act since I too am unready. And once I know what I want I hope I will have the courage and strength to put myself out there, and give the people around me the chance to decide how they feel.
But that won't be for a while :)
P.S. These feelings are hard to try and explain! Sorry if it makes no sense at all! lol
I think that in any relationship that has gone badly you begin to retrain yourself to be more careful and not to put yourself out there because you have been burned. Its something everyone does unless they are still with their first love and have never had to experience being rejected. Your desire to be heard is selfish, but I think it is also hopeful, because you are still out there trying even though things don't always work out. The only unfortunate things about relationship, and guys in general, is that they are always looking for the next best thing (if they aren't already married) and if they feel like they can get a better deal somewhere else they don't want to commit with what is in front of them. I think the goal is finding the person that you feel is the greatest deal ever and that they feel the same way about you. That way neither one of you ever had the desire to look somewhere else. I think you should keep looking until you find that :P
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean. It is so very suspensful and awful yet somewhat exciting in an awful way lol I'll cross my fingers for you that something will happen.
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